Hey You—Pick Up Your Crap!!!!
Dear (not) Asshole Who Leaves Dog Poop Bags in the Forest,
I know you’ll never read this—I’m writing it for me. I completely and utterly hate you. More than I hate Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh put together, and they both make me want to puke.
Stop leaving your dog poop bags on the hiking trails in the Hoyt Arboretum. Have you ever noticed that the convenient dispenser where you get those free bags is NEXT TO THE GIANT TRASH CONTAINER? So you take the free bags, and then you pick up your dog’s poop (judging by the volume I’d say your dog is at least 75 pounds) and then you leave the bag out in the open for the “help” to come by and discard it for you. That “help” would be me, a concerned citizen and nature lover. I have carried at least a half a ton of your dog’s crap for you back to the trash receptacle where you got the bags. Ever thought of returning them there yourself? No, you haven’t. What really pisses me off is, you think you’re being a good person. Oh, I picked up my dog’s poop. I’ll just leave it out here in plain sight so the janitorial staff can easily spot it. Wow, how helpful am I?
I’ll tell you. You’re a worthless piece of shit. You go to this incredibly beautiful place, presumably to admire the beauty as well as give your dog a place to do its business, and then you ruin it with your bags of crap.
One of these days, I’m going to catch you. It’s my fierce determination to meet you. And we’ll have a confrontation. It won’t be pleasant. My impulse would be to whack you with one of your bags of shit, but I probably won’t. I’m not violent. I just hate litterers, and you in particular.
Did I mention how much I hate you?
Hoping to encounter you soon…maybe today!
Your Unpaid Maid
